Chuckle of the Week!

A Little Christian Humor to Get You Through the Day ...

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Don’t Step On The Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room.

She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps."

She said, "Thank goodness! I was afraid you were praying."

WISDOM BEFORE DEATH

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns
took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the
whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some wisdom before you
die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't
sell that cow."

A REDNECK CHRISTMAS JOKE

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great
skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The
three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik
Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the
helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never
do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen
in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled
through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise
men came from afar.'"

CHRISTMAS STAMPS

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!

How many Christians Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to
approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and
one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to
do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found
that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a
poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday
service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,
including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of
which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your
choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Hymn #365

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365 - " Shall We Gather at the River"

Holy Puppy

A Christian couple wanted to get a family pet. They felt it important to own a Christian trained pet. So, they went pet searching at a kennel specializing in pets that are spiritual.

They found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he did equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog and his major skills that they called the dog over and had him show his Bible fetching ability.

The friends were very impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Lets try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.

Children’s Prayers

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21. Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street. Dean
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22. Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
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23. Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Mary
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24. Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
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25. Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane
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26. Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? Sincerely, Donna
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27. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
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28. Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
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29. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
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30. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Jenny

Children’s Interpretations Of Well-Known Verses

Praise God From whom
all blessings flow, Praise Him all
creatures, HERE WE GO
*
God bless America
Thru the night with
a light from a bulb!
*
0 Susanna,
0 don't you cry for me,
For I come from Alabama
with a band-aid on my knee!
*
Give us this day our deli bread!
Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to
the Whole East Coast.
*
We shall come to Joyce's,
bringing in the cheese.
*
Yield Not to Penn Station.
*
Olive, the other reindeer,
used to laugh and call him names.
*
While shepherds washed
their socks by night

Children’s Prayers

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11. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
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12. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nan
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13. Dear God, It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold
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14. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
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15. Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
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16. Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. Jane
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17. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Seymour
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18. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
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19. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
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20. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the
pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes,
their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and
cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to
Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the
place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the
Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having
down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back.
Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm
sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire
and are trying to install air conditioning."

Brewing Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened it and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............

"HEBREWS"

-- GOD IS LIKE.........
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

BAYER ASPIRIN - He works miracles.
a FORD - He's got a better idea.
COKE - He's the real thing.
HALLMARK CARDS - He cares enough to send His very best.
TIDE - He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
GENERAL ELECTRIC - He brings good things to life.
SEARS - He has everything.
ALKA-SELTZER - Try him, you'll like Him.
SCOTCH TAPE - You can't see him, but you know He's there..
DELTA - He's ready when you are.
ALLSTATE - You're in good hands with Him.
VO-5 Hair Spray - He holds through all kinds of weather.
DIAL SOAP - Aren't you glad you have Him. Don't you wish everybody did.
the U.S. POST OFFICE - Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

THREE HYMNS
-----------

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church
needed some extra money and asked the people to
prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced
down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill
in the offering plate. He was so excited that he
immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said
he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the
money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back
shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to
the front. She made her way to the pastor slowly. He
told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and
in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and
said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Children’s Prayers 1 - 10

1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
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2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
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3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
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4. Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because! I hate her. Denise
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5. God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
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6. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
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7. Dear God, Is it true my Father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
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8. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
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9. Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then I'm going to get even with my brother. Darla
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10. Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn

Ketchup Jar

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."

Revelations 3:30 and Genesis 3:10

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house
it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his
repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation
3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card
had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I
was naked."

Pesky Squirrels

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian
church, the Catholic church and the Lutheran church. Each church was overrun
with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
God's divine will.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position
to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and
set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels
were back.

But -- the Lutheran church came up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members
of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Act 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

Died in the Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of them. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the boy, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is that?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the Pastor replied. Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 8:00, 9:30 or the 11:00?"

Two Prawns

(Prawn: "Any of numerous edible, shrimplike decapod crustaceans")

There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the
ocean.

James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern, and, poof, a genie
appears and grants James two wishes.

After a moment's thought, James decides that he wants to become a shark so
as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea. Poof, James becomes
a shark and swims off.

Two weeks later, James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of
him, and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he
wishes to be a prawn once again. Poof... Now a prawn again!

James swims away to look for his mate, Christian. When he arrives at
Christian's house, he knocks on the door and shouts out for his friend. "Go
away," says Christian, "you're a shark, and you'll just eat me."

"No, I won't," shouts James, "I'm a prawn again, Christian."